Let me guess; you are probably in the midst of an unclear relationship right now. In this relationship, you are hoping for something to develop or change. You don’t want to play games, but you don’t want to appear too eager/available. Perhaps this is someone you have a long history with and you are afraid of being too transparent or vulnerable. You fear that if you reveal your true feelings you will lose any power you might have.
Whoa! Emotions have power! Withholding your emotions is currently driving you nuts, but if you express your emotions you are afraid of what might happen. What should you do?
Obviously, there is no single “right” answer to this question. In one situation it might actually benefit you to play “hard-to-get” in another it might be important to run to the person you care about and gush with emotions. Chances are good that if you are reading this, and deliberating about whether or not to text him/her, then you are a pursuer and I have a few important questions for you to ask yourself before you text him/her. It might even be good to write your answers down.
- What does it feel like in my body to sit and wait to text him/her?
- Is this feeling comfortable or uncomfortable?
- What does it mean to me that I’m having this feeling?
- In my logical mind, how long would I like to wait before texting him/her?
- What would it be like to wait that long?
- What are 3 things I can do to distract me from this feeling of wanting to text him/her?
Probably if you are a pursuer, your natural way of being (initiating contact), will mean that you end up with a withdrawer. Withdrawers usually depend on pursuers to initiate and so you will probably be the one to first reach out. But before you reach out, learn about yourself, your feelings, and what its like to wait. If this relationship is going to matter, you are going to need to have those skills no matter what happens. You will need to know how to slow yourself down, feel your emotions, and then make a wise decision.
If you are interested in learning more about yourself in these patterns, call Compass Family Counseling and our excellent counselors and therapists can help.
Katie Larson, MA
Marriage and Family Therapy Candidate